Tested

This blog post is going to take the more personal route, and it's a little long-winded, but I think it's important to share.

One thing that I know I have always wanted to be is a mom.  My mom wasn't the perfect mother, but I always admired her. Well, not really in high school, but let's skip that part. My mom started home daycare when I was born. When I was in 6th grade, she quit that and started homeschooling me and my siblings. We had home cooked meals EVERY MEAL. Never ate cereal for breakfast, except on Sundays. She had dinner on the table every night when my dad walked in from work. She never missed a night (thank goodness, because I think my dad can only make eggs.) Made us elaborate, homemade cakes for ever birthday.  I swear that woman could make a cake for every theme we came up with. I wanted to be her.  Still do.

I love my jobs, but I don't necessarily feel committed to them because they aren't actually what I want to be doing. Even before I met Garrett, I always knew that I wanted to start having kids as soon as my future husband was ready.  Garrett and I met on a blind date, and I instantly fell for him. I didn't know how he felt, but I knew I wanted to be more than friends. It took awhile to get there, but after awhile I knew he liked me too, and after what seemed like an eternity (but was actually only 3 months) he asked me to be his girlfriend. 6 months later we were engaged, and 2 months before our 1 year dating anniversary we got married. It was fast. People gave me funny looks. My parents were happy I found someone, and they loved Garrett, but they still thought we should wait. They had only met him once, and they didn't meet his family until the wedding. But I knew it was right and I have yet to regret the decision.

Well, Garrett and I can't have kids naturally. When I found out, it was hard. I knew that being a mom was something that I always wanted to do. Obviously, there are other options, but I had no idea how expensive those other options were. Let me just say - EXPENSIVE.   Some people might say that the inability to have children would be a deal breaker for them. But not me - I knew Garrett was the right guy and that God would provide for us. Don't get me wrong - even knowing about it, it's still hard to believe that we can't.  I was hoping the doctor was wrong. But 19 months later, it's pretty obvious that he wasn't. Sometimes I get jealous of other people who are having babies. I know A LOT of pregnant people, and as excited as I am for them, I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous.

Recently we found a grant for in-vitro that we could apply for, and I threw myself into getting all the paperwork together. Having to rely on other people to get the paperwork we need SUCKS. I think I am more of a control freak than I realized, and we aren't exactly working with the world's fastest people. The application is due this week and we are still waiting on some paperwork. At first, it really pissed me off that people weren't getting things to us as quickly as a wanted. And maybe we won't get all the paperwork in time and maybe we will have to wait until next year to apply for the grant again. At first, that really upset me. Then this weekend happened.

Garrett and I were both not feeling well Thursday and Friday, and so we took the days off work and had a 4 day weekend. It was GLORIOUS. It was just what we needed. We watched all 8 Harry Potter movies, because, well...when else are we going to have the time to do that? We left the house a few times, but mostly stayed home. IT. WAS. PERFECT.

Many times, I have only wanted my identity to be found in being a good, Christian wife and mother. Now, I'm thinking that I could be happy without that mother part. Obviously, I still want to try and have a kid. But, spending the rest of my life with someone who I am head over heels in love with would be a pretty awesome life. I am really happy that God lead me to that realization this weekend. I am so much less stressed about getting the application in, and just more laid back about having kids in general. If it happens, it happens. And I will be ecstatic. And if it doesn't, it doesn't ... and I will spend the rest of my life traveling the world or spending weekends having movie marathons with my best friend - and I will be the happiest woman alive.

All this just to say, that God knows what He is doing. I think He is using Garrett to show me that I am not in control. I had "a plan" for my life, and I am starting to see that God's plan is a little different than mine. I love Garrett so much and I can't wait to see where God takes us.